Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
this hospital has no fireball
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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