So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
