I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
