hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
