I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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