My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
