when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
