oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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