toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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