Someone shit on the floor
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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