His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
