If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
