I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
