In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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