Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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