I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think my vagina is haunted
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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