Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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