I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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