I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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