I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
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