3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
