So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
