Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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