What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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