If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
