His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
