Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
