we have pet lesbian snakes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
