She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
