What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
