Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
