omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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