im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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