I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
