I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
