just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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