I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
