Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize