dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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