Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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