put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
