I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
sarcasm needs its own font
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I need a beard to bite.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
