I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
