sarcasm needs its own font
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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