My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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