the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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