420 ftw
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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