It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
