I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
