This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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