i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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