I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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