Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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