Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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