Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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