don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
