I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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