I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
